Need

I stumbled upon this blog - having completely forgotten about it. I don't know if anyone has or will ever read this but I find it extremely cathartic to write. In the spirit of indulging this exercise for possibly selfish purposes, I think I will start creating entries again. 😊

The past few months I have found myself in a position that I haven't been in before. At least not in my adult life. Slowly over the past decade this journey has been changing something in me that has desperately needed to change. At a certain point in my young life, I began to develop a very independent and survival approach to living. If I was going to make it in life, it was because I made it. This kind of a perspective slowly begins to harden an individual's heart when this is their approach to engaging life. I didn't realize the consequences to such a lifestyle until later. Dark despair becomes your closest friend, and what a destructive friend it is.

So back to the present. Currently, this independent, survivalist mentality is a far-cry from the way I approach everything now. God has done a miraculous work in this soul of mine, something I still am in awe of, even as He continues it. Recently, for various reasons, I have had to be in a number of different doctor's offices...probably around 15 different visits to 5 different doctors in 2-3 months. I don't care who you are, that is a lot. As I mentioned before, I have never been in this particular position. It brought new emotional challenges that I had to figure out how to process...insecurity, fear, and stress over things I haven't had to be insecure, afraid of or stressed out with before. They were very real battles that by the grace of God and help of the Holy Spirit, I navigated and overcame. There was another variable though in this time that was part of why it was so transformational to my soul and to my perspective...that variable was people.

This challenging time brought a precious opportunity that I wouldn't trade and a perspective that is priceless to me. It opened me up to needing others...friends, mentors and even the doctors that I was privileged enough to come across. I was in a very vulnerable position and I needed them differently than I had needed them before. There was a particular doctor office that I spent at least half of these visits in. Every time I visited I was nervous about the procedure, but at the same time, I looked forward to going because of the people that were there. The kindness they showed, the conversations we had and even the laughter that ensued made it a time that actually nourished my soul. At the same time, I had a particular mentor as well that I spoke with a couple different times. Those conversations meant the world to me because of what was produced out of them. Conversations that allowed me to wrestle with questions and with God that brought such life-changing transformation of my understanding of Him.

I could go on and on because of how much I have gleaned from this brief, but difficult few months. Here is just one of the small lessons that I gained - being in need opens us up to beauty in life, transformation of the heart, and truths we otherwise would not gain if community is not received in the way God ordained it to be in our life. We don't know it all. We can't do it all on our own. We should never try to weather the storm by ourselves. In fact, I believe when we are willing to need others in a healthy way, it opens us up to see and understand God more.

 To live with a survivalist, independent mentality is to slowly die inside. But to live in a healthy state of give and receive in a community of people is where true, abundant, Heaven-breathed, transformational moments can be found.

Be found in Him, and be found with others who are also found in Him.