Need

I stumbled upon this blog - having completely forgotten about it. I don't know if anyone has or will ever read this but I find it extremely cathartic to write. In the spirit of indulging this exercise for possibly selfish purposes, I think I will start creating entries again. 😊

The past few months I have found myself in a position that I haven't been in before. At least not in my adult life. Slowly over the past decade this journey has been changing something in me that has desperately needed to change. At a certain point in my young life, I began to develop a very independent and survival approach to living. If I was going to make it in life, it was because I made it. This kind of a perspective slowly begins to harden an individual's heart when this is their approach to engaging life. I didn't realize the consequences to such a lifestyle until later. Dark despair becomes your closest friend, and what a destructive friend it is.

So back to the present. Currently, this independent, survivalist mentality is a far-cry from the way I approach everything now. God has done a miraculous work in this soul of mine, something I still am in awe of, even as He continues it. Recently, for various reasons, I have had to be in a number of different doctor's offices...probably around 15 different visits to 5 different doctors in 2-3 months. I don't care who you are, that is a lot. As I mentioned before, I have never been in this particular position. It brought new emotional challenges that I had to figure out how to process...insecurity, fear, and stress over things I haven't had to be insecure, afraid of or stressed out with before. They were very real battles that by the grace of God and help of the Holy Spirit, I navigated and overcame. There was another variable though in this time that was part of why it was so transformational to my soul and to my perspective...that variable was people.

This challenging time brought a precious opportunity that I wouldn't trade and a perspective that is priceless to me. It opened me up to needing others...friends, mentors and even the doctors that I was privileged enough to come across. I was in a very vulnerable position and I needed them differently than I had needed them before. There was a particular doctor office that I spent at least half of these visits in. Every time I visited I was nervous about the procedure, but at the same time, I looked forward to going because of the people that were there. The kindness they showed, the conversations we had and even the laughter that ensued made it a time that actually nourished my soul. At the same time, I had a particular mentor as well that I spoke with a couple different times. Those conversations meant the world to me because of what was produced out of them. Conversations that allowed me to wrestle with questions and with God that brought such life-changing transformation of my understanding of Him.

I could go on and on because of how much I have gleaned from this brief, but difficult few months. Here is just one of the small lessons that I gained - being in need opens us up to beauty in life, transformation of the heart, and truths we otherwise would not gain if community is not received in the way God ordained it to be in our life. We don't know it all. We can't do it all on our own. We should never try to weather the storm by ourselves. In fact, I believe when we are willing to need others in a healthy way, it opens us up to see and understand God more.

 To live with a survivalist, independent mentality is to slowly die inside. But to live in a healthy state of give and receive in a community of people is where true, abundant, Heaven-breathed, transformational moments can be found.

Be found in Him, and be found with others who are also found in Him.

Dynamics

The last two weeks of life have held many dynamics. These last few evenings after returning to my room for work, I would just sit. How do you process it all? About two weeks ago I graduated ORU. That event was emotional for me not because of what I had accomplished in my school work, not because friends would be moving to different places or even over the excitement of the future. It was emotional because of the transformation God did in my heart over the last 5 years. Truly a miracle work. It was one of those, "If not for His grace..." moments.

About a week ago I watched a couple different friends get married. There is something so beautiful about two lives being joined as one. The potential held in this joining together is far beyond what is even realized at the altar. The promise of progeny that will be born out of love, a legacy left to them to dream their own dreams and "conquer" the world...teaching the next generation how to love mercy, do justice and walk humbly with their God...

Then Saturday morning, I woke up. It was the day of my birthday. The day you celebrate the life God gave you. The day you look back over the years and ruminate God's faithfulness. After being awake for a few minutes I did something I don't usually do immediately. I flipped open my computer and read about the death of four friends. I slowly closed the lid as shock began to set in. My parents were just opening my door to bring me my birthday starbucks drink, just as I had requested.

I will be honest. I have never been good with processing this dynamic of life. I don't know what to do with the roller-coaster of emotions going on inside. One minute I can be laughing with someone and in the next tears are heavily streaming down my cheeks with little to no ability to restrain them. I don't know what to say. All I can do is pray. My heartache has not simply been because of losing a friend, I am broken for the fiance who lost her future husband. I am broken for the family that lost a brother, son, grandson, nephew, uncle....so suddenly and so tragically. I am broken because we have lost someone who passionately pursued the Kingdom while he lived on this earth - spreading the Gospel. The only reason for which we are to live.

Dr. Rutland masterfully described the transition today from earth into Heaven. He said that Garrett and the others simply changed clothes as they moved into eternity. He gave his life and entered into the glory for which He lived.

(Written May 2012)

Bless the Broken Road

Tonight after a powerful service at church, I was talking to someone who is very dear to my heart. I hadn't had a chance to speak with them in awhile because of busy schedules. As I was updating them on my life and what I was now doing, they reflected on my years in Tulsa, in and out of ORU and all the places this journey has taken me. It has definitely been a non-traditional journey. As I left, I began to reflect on what they said...

As I ruminated I thought about a song called "Bless the Broken Road." It is supposed to be a love song, but I have always known it to reflect this journey I have been on over these past few years with the Lord. It truly was the broken road of life that led me into the arms of Jesus. When I hit rock bottom He was the only one there to put the pieces back together. He was the only one who could.

As a rule I never return to the past to meditate on it because there is nothing there for me - but there are times I visit, to remember one thing: if it wasn't for His grace...

Sometimes it is good to remember, only so you don't forget all He has done. To make the sweetness of His grace and love in your life all the sweeter.

Once I was bound. Now I know freedom.

Once I believed I was unlovable. Now I know how deeply I am loved, and now I am able to love.


If it wasn't for His grace...




"Bless the Broken Road"
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Valuing what has been planted

Matthew 13:23 NLT

"The seed that fell on good soil represents those who truly hear and understand God's word and produce a harvest of thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times as much as had been planted."

As I was reading today, this verse popped out at me and I began to see the different people who have sown into my life over the years, especially the recent years. First and foremost it is MOST important that the seed of the Word planted in our hearts comes from our private communion with the Lord. We cannot be reliant upon pastors or friends to speak the Word to us. That is extra seed that is necessary but secondary.

Having said that, I began to think about the privilege I do not take lightly of those who have spoken and continue to speak into my life. God-fearing men and women who have taught me so much, been patient with me in my foolishness and have never given up on me. Just as much as I do not take lightly putting the Word into my heart in private communion - being sure it is bearing fruit in my life, I also want to be sure that I am producing fruit from the mentorship and leadership God has given me who steward the gift of God in me.

It is a beautiful relationship when both have their rightful place in our lives. The Word, intimate relationship with the Holy Spirit...being joined with true discipleship.

This may sound like something simple to you. You're right...it is. But in its simplicity, don't lose the value of it in your life. Sometimes we can allow ourselves to just get used to the favor of God and become lackadaisical with the treasure of others speaking into us. DON'T. I implore you - value those God has placed in your life. Bear fruit from the God-fearing discipleship they bring to your life.

Let those people know how much they mean to you. Pray for them.

Hebrews 13:7 NLT

"Remember your leaders who taught you the Word of God. Think of all the good that has come from their lives, and follow the example of their faith."

Hear and See

It has been awhile since I have written and honestly, I am in a season where I feel like I don't want to say much because I have so much to listen for and so little to offer. I am learning. Growing. Purifying. Maturing. Tonight though, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me to share with you what He is teaching me.

I can't seem to escape these two words, "Hear" and "See". It began a few weeks ago when I came across Proverbs 20:12 "Ears to hear and eyes to see - both are gifts from the Lord." My most recent, earnest and constant prayer has been "Lord give me eyes to see and ears to hear what You are doing and speaking." I don't want a day to go by that I miss something He is trying to say. Nor do I want to be so distracted by all the things around me that I miss what He is doing.

These words have followed me everywhere starting with my dreams, random conversations with people, a ministry email I received, scriptures that pop out and slap me in the face (with the love of Jesus of course).

In the midst of everything that is going on in our world, our personal lives, our social, educational and work lives, there is always something to keep our attention. At the end of the day though, do you ever find yourself thinking...wow God. I don't know if I even stopped to speak or just listen to You today. I got so caught up in everything else, that I was listening to everyone else rather than Your Holy Spirit.

It's easy to do in our media driven, desperate-need-for-social-interaction world.

Can I tell you something I have learned though? It's all worthless without Him.

Nothing can fulfill you like His presence. He is the only one that knows your life from beginning to end, directing your steps as you hear His voice.

Some of you may be saying, "I already know that. Jesus is Lord of my life. I love God. Etc. Etc."

I simply challenge you with this. Turn your focus to where your time and energy is spent. When you have free-time, are you always spending it online, or could you be preparing for your future? Spending time in the Word?

Pull away to spend time in His presence where you can truly see and hear. God is searching for those whose hearts are turned toward Him. Not just in word, but in how you structure your life to hear from Him.

I encourage you. God is moving in the earth in mighty ways. If you do not separate yourself to Him to seek His heart, filling your ears with His words, you will miss something that facebook, twitter, material obsessions, or other relationships with people will never give you. These things are not wrong, but do not allow them to steal your time and attention.

Return home Beloved

I just finished reading the book of Hosea. It has been on my heart all day, but I was avoiding reading it...it's not one of those 'happy books' that makes you want to get up and "change your world!" (Thank you Dr. Rutland) It's sobering. It makes you take a good and hard look at yourself. It is a book that will rip your heart up at the heartbreak of God because of the infidelity of His beloved people. Constantly throughout Hosea God is calling His people back to Himself, but they refuse, forgetting all God has done for them and following after their own desires.

God is not rebuking those who do not know Him in Hosea. He is speaking to HIS people - His children who have turned their backs on Him. He rebuked them for their religious acts and said "I don't want this! I don't want your sacrifices, I want you. I want you to know Me." It's our sin and religious attitudes that keep us from knowing Him.

How often do we go to church on Sunday mornings or read our Bibles out of duty...and then go on living our own lives according to our own desires. Behaving and carrying on in ways that clearly do not bring honor to God, but "everyone else does it," so we do too. Or, its as a friend of mine blogged about today, "just a little thing - it's not a big deal." Lets live above that. We have been set apart for so much more.

After God speaks about the punishment the Israelites will have to go through because of there sin and disobedience, He is constant about wanting to bring Israel back into His arms and heal them.

We serve such an amazing God. Let us live lives that show our gratefulness...we don't deserve the love He showers on us, but He still gives it and takes such great pleasure in doing so.

A Spoon Full of Sugar....

When I was younger I was incapable of swallowing pills. I could not do it. There was one instance when the Doctor prescribed me some medicine that came in the form of a pill. Try as I might, I could not swallow it. The taste of it was awful. It was one of those powder pills that you tasted immediately when it landed on your tongue. So, we finally came up with a solution. We smashed the pill and put it with a spoon full of sugar. Mary Poppins is a genius. I never had a problem getting my medicine down after that. I'm thankful to be able to say that today, I am able to swallow pills. :o) No need for that spoon full of sugar any longer.

Discipline is kind of like bad tasting medicine. It is necessary for our health, but oh how awful it tastes as you swallow hard, eyes watering, with a sigh of relief once it is over. For the first few times I finally learned to swallow a pill it was the same. Moments of great concentration and effort took place as I disciplined myself to just-do-it. Relief from the pounding headache, or soar throat that plagued me at the moment would be worth the struggle I was facing at the present.

There is a point we come to in our lives, when we have to swallow the pill of discipline if we are going to accomplish what God has put in us to walk out in our life. I am convinced, to succeed in life, in any area, discipline must be a practice.

When you first begin to apply yourself to a disciplined lifestyle, it - is - painful. It isn't easy and really it isn't fun. This summer the Lord spoke strongly to me about being more disciplined in some specific areas of my life. When He spoke to me I had little understanding of what I was in for. There have been many days when I have had to swallow hard, while my eyes are watering and my flesh dying. Interesting fact though. The more you do it, the easier it gets. It becomes a habit that is almost natural and so very rewarding.

The best part though, is the growth that has come as a result. I'm still having to die daily to things in my flesh. I will until my Savior returns. Until that time though, I am experiencing a more fulfilling life because of the discipline He instructed to make a part of my life.

Don't you think Jesus had to have had discipline in His life before He got to the Garden of Gethsemane? Before He got to the very thing He came to this earth for. Think about it. He could have called down angels to pull Him out of the Garden before He went to the cross. That takes incredible discipline, knowing what kind of death He would die and still going through with it because He believed you were worth it. Believing that still called for immense discipline.

Whatever God has called you to will require discipline on your part. Too many are living according to what their flesh wants rather than causing it to come under the authority of the Holy Spirit. You may be "anointed" and "called", but until you have the character to carry it, you're not ready to walk in it.

1 Corinthians 9:25-27

"All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified."